Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Keep Austin Weird

pre·ten·tious: Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed
We're not pretentious. We're weird! Keep Austin Weird!
Austin is not weird.
Austin is weird and I can prove it! I have a bumper sticker on my car and a t-shirt that say Keep Austin Weird! Like other 20-something Austinites I wear the t-shirt all the time to let people know that Austin is weird and I am a groovy person! Can you dig it?
That's great, but Austin is not weird.
Yes it is! We have bats underneath a bridge! We're so weird that we named our minor-league hockey team after them! Isn't that weird?
Lots of cities have bats underneath their bridges. That isn't weird.
We're the live music capital of the world! How weird is that? Weird, I tell ya. Weird!
Cities like New York or London or LA would be the live music capitals of the world. Austin has... some really bad college bands that play cover songs.
We're the San Francisco of Texas! That makes us weird!
Austin is not the San Francisco of Texas. Austin is a hot, humid hellhole for much of the year, populated by pockets of "progressives" that work for government agencies and some transplants from California who were priced out of their homes. It's a vortex that sucks tax dollars in from the rest of the state. Austin is really the Sacramento of Texas, only with a lot more illegals.
Don't be a smartass when we all know that Austin is weird. We hate highways and failed to build them or provide alternatives for mass transit so we have really bad traffic problems. That's something that makes Austin weird!
You got me on that one. That really is pretty weird.
Slacker was filmed here! More proof that Austin is weird.
Slacker was an interesting movie about some loosely-connected paranoid schizophrenics. It was also 20 years ago. I think it's time to move on.
Austin is weird because we have interesting characters that we call "dragworms." See? I told you that Austin is weird!
The rest of us call them "panhandlers" or "bums." Slackers, if you prefer. Just about any city has them. Nothing weird about that.
Hater! Austin is weird and I can prove it beyond any reasonable doubt. We have SXSW®! Doesn't that acronym sound edgy? We even have cool celebrities who fly in to visit!
Quentin Tarantino sitting in a bar drinking a Shiner Bock for the photographers so he can look hip isn't really weird. It's actually kind of... pretentious. But not weird.
It is too weird! See my bumper sticker?
Proved it once again! Haha you looser!

And Austin is weird because we go tubing down the river and drink beer!
Actually, that's about 50 miles south in New Braunfels, near the much larger, more interesting historic city of San Antonio.
Well eff you, hater. Just for that I am going to put another Keep Austin Weird bumper sticker on my car and annoy my out-of-town friends and relatives some more by telling them how weird Austin is. Can I interest you in a Keep Austin Weird t-shirt? The Chamber of Commerce has a few thousand cases left over and they are giving them away.

12 comments:

Lou Minatti said...

The news out there is just too depressing to post about anything serious.

NHSteph said...

I'm doomed out. It's all starting to get really interesting, but I just can't take it anymore. I went and bought some new skis to replace my junkers in an attempt to go outside again. You can only buy so many rounds of ammo or cans of tuna.

It's not denial...I know it's coming; I just need a few doom free weeks.

Dan from Madison said...

My life is significantly better by limiting my exposure to most of the news.

Lou Minatti said...

Steph, I saw on a doomer site a recommendation for collecting airline booze bottles and packages of cigarettes vacuum-sealed in plastic bags. Theory being that these will be far more useful for bartering than gold coins. :-)

NHSteph said...

My ace in the hole are those Keurig single serving coffees.

I figure the coffee machines will be cheap-- but the price of the individual Mocha Javas and Colombian Fair Trade Selects will skyrocket and I will be on Easy Street.

I know it didn't work out with the Beanie Babies, but this one can't miss...

Anonymous said...

Remember- when it's darkest, men see stars

Anonymous said...

If Austin is the Sacramento of Texas, then who is the Casey Serin of Austin?

Anonymous said...

Lived in Austin 1972-1995. I knew Austin was over the year Jimmy Buffet drew a larger crowd than Frank Zappa. Took awhile longer to get out though.
Now I live on the northern plains far from affectation.

Lou Minatti said...

A comment from the Die Hipster blog that linked to this post:

"The only people who think that Austin is great are either too young, too stoned, or too pretentious to know better. Yeah, it used to be interesting… back when Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers comics were the height of subversion, too."

Anonymous said...

Austin is as pretentious as it gets. This is coming from someone growing up in Portland Oregon. Live music capitol my ass. The best their young local music scene has come to originality is regurgitated versions of Pavement, DJ Shadow and Neutral Milk Hotel. Spoon is nothing but a piss-ant effort at knocking off Cake. Black Joe Louis and the Honey Bears is the most blatant display of plagiarism since "Ice Ice Baby". Little Richard would be spinning in his grave if he saw how tactlessly his likeness is being flat out ripped off. ACL these days make Woodstock 1999 look like an altruistic endeavor (The Eagles as Headliner, wow! How fucking awesome can you get?!). The worst part is these idiots think they're breaking ground. They mostly stand around talk during shows as though they are the almighty Gods of critiquing music (most have never left the state and had never heard a song outside the Hot 100 until they were "enlightened" on the UT campus at the age of 18 by some tactless wannabe who never managed to escape the grip of obscurity). Most of them pay to see shows with their parents money. The others are the even more pathetic few who never managed to scavenge enough money to leave and land themselves in an actual city. Oh and Waterloo Records is nothing more than a plus sized Goodwill when it come to used music (their staff are nothing but arrogant assholes who act like they are doing you a favor be rehashing Pitchfork Media reviews). Austin isn't weird, it's just to dumb to know it is sadly naive and bland. Hey that's okay, most "towns" are (you are not even a city by the way, no matter how hard you try with your one-way roads). Just give it up before you ruin what little you have going for you.

encontactos.com said...

Quite worthwhile info, much thanks for the post.

LucasinAustin said...

Any credibility he might have had was lost when he described San Antonio as "more interesting..." I mean really.. have you even actually BEEN to San Antonio? You've got to be the only person in history to utter that statement.